British Ibiza. Shoreditch on Sea. Camden of the southeast. For a small seaside city, Margate has a formidable array of nicknames. Now, it appears there’s one other so as to add to the record, as a result of this Kent hotspot is the unofficial polyamory capital of England.
Take the practice right down to Tracy Emin’s hometown in mid-August and you will find any lingering affiliation between the area and Nigel Farage’s UKIP glory days swept away. In its place are plentiful artwork galleries, fancy boutiques, artisan cafes and stylish bars.
The city even has its very personal Banksy, and in summer season, it performs host to one of many hottest events on the south coast – Margate Pride the place rainbow flags fly proudly. Drag queens and allies dance on tables. ’90s pop queens strut their stuff. And vacationers and locals occasion until daybreak.
For the uninitiated, polyamory means having romantic relationships with a couple of individual at a time. It’s not dishonest as a result of it is all consensual and out within the open, and sometimes, however not at all times, permits a blurring of the traces of sexuality.
In a small city like Margate, the place the inhabitants is simply over 60,000, it means there’s a actual danger of bumping into individuals your companion is relationship. But this does not should be awkward, says intercourse educator and Margate resident Ruby Rare, who’s the co-host of E4’s Sex Rated.
“It doesn’t feel like a big deal,” says Ruby, 27, who has Barbie-pink hair and an enormous smile. Her response is to share a hug quite than a dying stare. “I wouldn’t look at them and think ‘oh God, that’s my partner’s partner’. Instead, I’d go ‘Oh my God that’s a lovely person who is in our wider friendship group’.”
As a results of its newly minted hipster standing, home asking costs in Margate have risen considerably. They’ve elevated on common virtually 50% sooner than the remainder of the nation up to now 5 years from £245,199 to £317,036 – an increase of 29% in response to Rightmove. “It’s the fastest wave of gentrification I’ve ever seen,” says Francesca*, a polyamorous individual in her mid-30s, who lived in Margate from 2019 till final winter.
While it is troublesome to trace exactly how many individuals within the UK are presently training polyamory, not to mention in a single particular city, new polling reveals that greater than a 3rd of (35%) Brits suppose that people should not naturally monogamous.
According to the identical survey, whereas just one% of Brits are presently in polyamorous relationships, 10% say they’d be open to contemplating it. It’s extra frequent amongst youthful age teams, with 4% of 18-24 year-olds training it (up from 2% in 2019), and 12% who could be open to it.
In Margate, the city’s standing as a spot the place individuals can eschew monogamy freed from judgement is an open secret that is mentioned at events and in LGBTQIA+-friendly golf equipment and bars. Ruby, alongside some buddies, has simply began the city’s first official meet-up for Ethically Non-Monogamous (ENM) individuals.
“There are lots of polyamorous people, it’s a lovely, open community,” says Ruby, who migrated from south London virtually three years in the past. She provides that whereas there’s a actually enjoyable time available within the “pockets” of Margate which can be “queer heaven”, it is a seaside city that’s nonetheless very “economically divided”.
It’s the intimacy of small-town life that, specialists like Ruby say, helps the success and visibility of polyamory in locations like Margate. Being open and sincere about who else you’re relationship and sharing that together with your companions is central to non-monogamous relationships. While it might really feel “weird” at first, says Ruby, it is nonetheless higher than conserving secrets and techniques.
“It’s much harder to be an a***hole in a small community,” she laughs. “It’s easy to treat people in a more disposable way in a massive city where there’s a good chance you’ll never see them again. That’s not going to happen in Margate. If you hang out with someone whether it’s romantic, sexy or just platonic, there’s a good chance you’ll see them within a few days.”
It’s not simply the Down From Londoners (DFLs) who’re a part of the polyamory scene. Kent native Genevieve Pepper, 45, is a author and efficiency artist, whose comedy alter ego is a dominatrix known as Jezebel Pye. After her marriage ended a number of years in the past, she began utilizing the relationship app Feeld which caters to these looking for unconventional hook-ups. Its recognition within the UK has grown dramatically, reporting an virtually 250% rise in lively UK customers from January 2020 to 2022. To her shock, she found an entire new world of sexual journey on her doorstep.
“Seaside towns have always had a reputation,” giggles Genevieve. “A little bit seedy, a little bit crazy. There is always that slightly licentious atmosphere.”
She describes herself as “solo poly” – which means you’re open to having a number of intimate relationships whereas sustaining an unbiased life-style. Although she lives within the adjoining city of Ramsgate, a lot of her work and social life takes place in Margate.
While the poly group there has welcomed Genevieve, she says there are class divisions that run deep. While out on a latest date, she was accused by different locals of being a Londoner. “We dress a bit funky… challenging the stereotype that local people are cave dwellers who didn’t have any style until the Londoners turned up.”
She sees herself as a bridge between the native LGBTQIA+ and polyamorous scenes and that cast by center class creatives who’ve migrated from the capital. “People from London might have hastened it along, but I think it’s more of a class and social thing,” says Genevieve.
“The lefty, middle-class people have a bit of a woke bubble. All my friends are like me and are either ethically non-monogamous or have thought about it. It’s a viral idea that’s spread among under-50, trendy, educated people.”
There is a “sense of privilege and resentment”, Genevieve says, amongst some native individuals in the direction of the gatekeepers of the Margate scene, who are sometimes ex-Londoners. “There is a bit of blindness because it’s so lovely in Margate and Cliftonville [the town’s trendiest district] for people that can afford it. You can get artisan this, vegan everything and there are great parties.
“But in the event you’re working a double shift and struggling to feed the children it is onerous to really feel a part of that. I’m extra more likely to be serving them espresso than I’m to be invited for espresso with them.”
Alongside the category divisions, are the emotional challenges that polyamory – like all relationship fashion – can carry.
While the visibility of small-town life could make some individuals extra respectful, it might additionally create pressures of its personal. “My experience is that it can cause huge problems,” says Genevieve. “People lie for a start, particularly men… they’ll say they’ve told their girlfriend and don’t realise this woman is going to see their girlfriend on the school run.”
Her rose-tinted view of the poly group was tainted by assembly a person who at first stated he needed a threesome, after which requested to satisfy her alone. “He said he wanted secret meetups with me as that would make it more exciting. I was like, ‘Look, you’re basically a swinger and that’s still not enough for you’.”
After an preliminary honeymoon interval within the city, Francesca*, who describes herself as “solo poly”, discovered herself equally disillusioned. “It can get messy,” she says. At first, she “bought the line” that the individuals she met had been residing this “fantastic life” in England’s “polyamory capital”.
Eventually, although, she discovered the visibility of the scene stifling. “There are plenty of people whose relationships are open and are being polyamorous, but I didn’t want to get involved in their relationships,” she says. “I’m essentially single but loving multiple people however that works out for me.”
The normalisation of ENM relationships in elements of Margate has, in Genevieve’s view, led to some individuals feeling pressured to take part. “Men get to behave exactly how they want,” she says. “I think some women are going along with it to save the relationship or to just show they’re cool. I’ve had people be like ‘oh god you’re not monogamous, are you?'”
Francesca echoes Genevieve’s view. “Whatever man you’re dating there will be five women in the town who are upset with him,” she says. “It was hard to find a man who didn’t have a trail of devastation behind him.”
According to Genevieve, intercourse events impressed by occasions reminiscent of Torture Garden – the legendary London fetish occasion – are additionally on the rise within the area each in individuals’s houses and in public areas. While she is not opposed to those “cuddle puddles”, she fears implanting concepts like this from London might result in issues because the scene grows.
Ruby says she hasn’t witnessed any intercourse events. From her perspective, the key of Margate’s rising attraction is extra about connection and group. “It’s not sex first, or scandal first,” she says.
The close-knit nature of the scene has helped her practise an open relationship fashion known as Kitchen Table Polyamory. “Everyone involved is able to sit together at the kitchen table, have a cup of tea and chat,” she explains.
But whereas open relationships are accepted in sure circles on this seaside city, it’s miles from common. As gentrification continues apace, there are moments of tradition conflict as locals and new arrivals work out how greatest to co-exist amid the surge in property costs and the price of residing disaster.
“There’s a lot of homophobia,” says Genevieve. “One of my friends got egged at Pride during the parade… It’s still a day of protest as well as celebration.”
But regardless of the odd destructive expertise, she remains to be happier being a part of the poly scene than she was being monogamous. In a area like Thanet, which voted 64% in favour of Brexit, she says conventional relationship, for somebody like her with left-leaning views, is usually a political minefield.
“I have yet to meet a Tory,” she jokes. “With conventional dating, you don’t know if you’re talking to someone that’s voted for Nigel Farage in the past. It’s nice to have that level playing field of – you’re fairly woke, and so am I, and we’re not going to fall out over asylum seekers.”
So, is Margate the polyamory capital of England? Different individuals we spoke to had totally different experiences, however all of them agreed it’s a place the place different life and relationship decisions can thrive. Whatever you select to name it and no matter expertise you is perhaps in the hunt for, it is clear that this seaside city is swinging.
*Name has been modified
Sex Rated was proven on E4 and is now accessible on Channel 4
The Assumption of Jezebel Pye is at The Guildhall, Faversham, Saturday 28 October, you may also catch her at @sugar_rush_ramsgate.
Source: information.sky.com”